Maupin Island Discs

Armistead Maupin

Armistead Maupin was a recent castaway on Desert Island Discs . Here are his choices.

1. Mockin’ Bird Hill
Performer Patti Page

2. Moon River
Performer Audrey Hepburn

3. Desperado
Performer The Eagles

4. Maybe This Time
Performer Liza Minnelli

5. You and Me from the musical Victor/Victoria
Performer Julie Andrews and Tony Roberts

6. Hallelujah
Performer K D Lang

7. The Heart of Life
Performer John Mayer

8. The reprise of Wicked Little Town
Performer Tommy Gnosis

Record: Wicked Little Town
Book: The Cole Porter Song Book
Luxury: Vaporiser

Actually, his chosen luxury was a cannabis plant, but Kirsty Young got all BBC about this, so he had to go for the vaporiser (with cannabis extract). Honestly, Kirst, lighten up! It's only a kid-on island.

Screen Queen

Last night, the most talked about television programme of the year finally hit the screens. Even before airing, “Monarchy: the Royal Family at Work” had already hit the headlines and resulted in the controller of BBC One losing his job. It was all because an out-of-sequence preview appeared to show the Queen storming out of a photo-shoot with Annie Leibovitz. In fact, the scene showed Her Majesty on the way into the session.

So, after all the fuss, we finally got to see the finished product. Overall, it was entertaining and interesting, although at an hour-and-a-half, a bit too long. Much of the focus was on the state visit by the Queen and Prince Philip to the United States, earlier this year. The Leibovitz session was arranged to provide the official pre-trip photographs, and appeared at the top of the show. The monarchical strop at being asked to remove her tiara to make the shot “less dressy” was the nearest we came to fireworks, but Leibovitz took it all in her stride. No doubt, she’s had more troublesome subjects than Her Majesty.

The rest of the programme showed the preparations for the state visit. Everyone, from the First Lady to the flower girls wanted to make sure everything was just perfect. At the Williamsburg Inn, where the Queen had stayed 50 years before, the chief housekeeper personally attended to the Egyptian cotton sheets, and rather unnecessarily pointed out that a new lavatory seat had been bought to accompany the royal flush.

George W. Bush was almost childlike in his anticipation of the visit, and hoped Her Majesty would ask to meet his mad Scottish terrier. Meanwhile, Laura Bush came across as an engaging, intelligent woman, concerned above all that her visitors should have time to relax and enjoy their time in the White House.

The most annoying aspect of the programme was the frequent references to Her Majesty’s realm. Or, as the Americans constantly called it: “England.” “It’s not every day you get to see the Queen of England”, gushed one woman, “I mean, dinner with the Queen of England has a certain ring to it”, burbled the President.

Meanwhile I’m throwing pop tarts at the screen and screeching “Britain, you cretins, it’s Britain!” Yes, yes, I know that England is often used as a shorthand term for Great Britain, and I also know that many Brits don’t know the difference between Washington, DC and Washington state. But for those of us living beyond the boundaries of perfidious Albion, every mention of the “E” word is like a mass scraping of nails across a blackboard. Even the woman at the bloody British Embassy coo-ed about creating a little bit of England in Washington. Everyone was at it, with one exception.

Along among all the characters great and small appearing in the programme, only Laura Bush referred to “Great Britain”. Laura, we love ya!

Polish Postings

He’s off, again. Not content with spanning the globe, crossing the Sahara and scaling the Himalayas, Michael Palin’s on the road once more. This time, he’s in central and eastern Europe, travelling to places as diverse as Kiev and Kaliningrad.

Palin’s one of the jewels in the BBC crown. His engaging approach in these programmes – part innocent abroad, part have-a-go goon – has won him a following far beyond his native shores, and the accompanying books are instant best-sellers.

I've especially enjoyed this series because I've been to some of the places Palin visits - in recent weeks, he's been to Hungary and the Baltic republics. This week, the programme took him from the shores of northern Poland to the southern border with Slovakia and, like a Polish sausage, there was a lot squeezed into it. Palin makes it look easy, but it’s not every presenter who could carry off a show featuring an interview with Lech Walesa, a visit to Auschwitz and a walk-on part in a comedy cabaret. The Monty Python trouper took it all in his stride.

While thousands of people from Poland have travelled to find work in Britain in recent years, some Brits have made the journey in the opposite direction. In Warsaw, Palin met Kevin Aiston. Originally from London, Aiston moved to Poland in 1993 and is now a Warsaw firefighter. He’s also something of a local celebrity, regularly appearing on a morning tv show. The genial Londoner was generous in his description of his hosts and expressed the hope that Poles working in Great Britain might receive a similar welcome. Invited by Aiston to test his linguistic skills, Palin made a decent stab at the fiendishly difficult Polish language.

The lighter moments contrasted sharply with reminders of Poland’s tragic past. In Warsaw’s lovely old town square (completely rebuilt after 1945), Palin chatted with an attractive Polish journalist. She insisted that Poland was ever-conscious of history, but also keen to take its place in the modern world. Later, visiting Auschwitz, Palin was understandably low-key. Wisely, he let the piles of hair, suitcases and gas canisters speak for themselves.

After attending an exhilarating, exhausting village wedding, Palin sailed serenely out of Poland and into Slovakia, from where he will begin the final stage of his journey next week. In a weekend schedule dominated by sport and phone-in competitions, Michael Palin’s Polish passage was a horizon-broadening breath of fresh air.

Michael Palin's New Europe


Polish Postcript: 1

Palin’s meeting with Lech Walesa reminds me of a story about the former Polish president, which may or may not be true.

During a state visit to London, President Walesa was introduced to the Queen. Stumbling through his speech, he finally confessed, “I’m sorry, your majesty, I must polish my English. The Queen gave him a withering look. “No, Mr President. Your English is Polish enough.”

Polish Postcript: 2

Polish Prime Minister, Jaroslaw Kaczynski, has lost today's general election. Having won a landslide victory, the Civic Platform Party will form the next government. Kaczynski's aggressive nationalism has been abrasive abroad and divisive at home. His twin brother, Lech, still has three years of his presidency to run, but may find it harder to deal with this muscular new government.