Strangers on a Train

To pass the time on the long train journey back from London this week, I listened to a double bill of plays by Alan Bennett.

"Forty Years On" is set in an English public school, with John Gielguid the very pith and sinew of an old style headmaster. During the school play, he's outraged by his students' use of improvisation: "I'm all for free expression," he says, "but only if it's rigidly controlled." It's a fine reflection on an age that was already passing into history when it first appeared in 1968.

The other performance on the CD was a monolgue titled "A Woman of No Importance". Patricia Routledge plays Miss Margaret Schofield, an office worker whose only ambition is to reach the canteen before the lunchtime rush. Her futile, boring life is described in mind-numbing detail. But, this being Bennett and Routledge, magnificence is wrought from the mundane. Taken into hospital for a stomach complaint, her inevitable decline fails to dim her own sense of self-importance. Even the most tenuous connections to the great and the good are sucked into her maw: "This is the bed that Princess Alexandra stopped at when she came here, apparently."

In such good company, it's hardly surprising that, before I knew it, the train was drawing into the station.

Wise Words

Seven years after his death, his words still ring true:

I never give my work to somebody else and say, "What do you think about that?" I just don't trust anybody. If I think it's funny, or if I think it's silly, I send it in anyway because I'm just trying to please myself. I never try to please a certain audience. I think that's disastrous. There's no way in the world you can anticipate what your reader is going to like or dislike.
Charles Schulz

Book Now

Among the top ten book shops in the world named by The Guardian is none other than Glasgow's city centre branch of Borders. Sean Dodson says few readers can fail to be beguiled by its neo-classical facade. "People reading on the steps outside have become as much a feature of Glasgow as the traffic cone on the head of Wellington's statue."

Not any more. Legions of Goths have been swept from the steps and security guards now patrol them to ensure that Borders is a Goth-free zone.

The other bookshops on the list are also worth a second look. Among them, the reconstituted church that is the Boekhandel Selexyz Dominicanen in Maastricht (above) and the majestic Livrario Lello in Porto.

You shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but I'm pretty sure these magnificent bookshops live up to their first impressions.

Season's Readings

As a coda to the festive season, here's my round-up of the books that accompanied me through the past twelve months.

2007 was the year I discovered Alan Bennett. I'd been aware of his work before, but it's only this year that I've come to explore and fully enjoy his writing. His short stories, monologues and plays have entertained and inspired me throughout the year, and I look forward to reading more from this brilliant writer in 2008.

But before closing the door on another year of reading, here, in reverse order of enjoyment, are my bite-sized book reviews of 2007.


Title: The Collectors
Author: David Baldacci
Review: A thriller that wasn't from a writer who couldn't. Awful.
Score: 1/10

Title: JPod
Author: Douglas Coupland
Review: Follies in geekland. Disappointing.
Score: 3/10

Title: This Book Will Save Your Life
Author: A. M. Homes
Review: Silly satire on Californian suburban life. Puzzling.
Score: 5/10

Title: The Edifice Complex
Author: Deyan Sudjic
Review: Deliciously gossipy insight into architecture as a weapon of mass seduction. Entertaining.
Score: 6/10

Title: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Author: Jonathan Safran Foer
Review: A youngster unravels a mystery left behind by his father when the Twin Towers fell. Moving.
Score: 6/10

Title: The Outsider
Author: Albert Camus
Review: Bleak story of a man who appears indifferent to his fate. Depressing.
Score: 6/10

Title: Be Near Me
Author: Andrew O'Hagan
Review: A parish priest's ministry turns tragic in a decaying Ayrshire town. Poetic.
Score: 6/10

Title: In God's Name: an investigation into the murder of Pope John Paul I
Author: David Yallop
Review: Dodgy doings at the Vatican. Compelling.
Score: 6/10

Title: The Plague
Author: Albert Camus
Review: Thought-provoking story of human responses to a deadly threat. Contagious.
Score: 6/10

Title: The Weather Makers: how man is changing the planet and what it means for life on Earth
Author: Tim Flannery
Review: An SOS for Earth. Convincing.
Score: 6/10

Title: And Now on Radio 4
Author: Simon Elmes
Review: Celebrating 40 years of a jewel in the BBC crown. Cosy.
Score: 6/10

Title: Basil Hume, the Monk Cardinal
Author: Anthony Howard
Review: Eminently absorbing biography of a man whom the Queen called "my cardinal". Insightful.
Score: 7/10

Title: Hatless Jack: the president, the fedora and the history of American style
Author: Neil Steinberg
Review: How JFK didn't kill the American hat industry. Offbeat
Score: 7/10

Title: Life of Pi
Author: Yann Martel 7/10
Review: A boy, a boat, adrift, alive. And a tiger called Richard Parker. Surprising.
Score: 7/10

Title: The Interpretation of Murder
Author: Jeb Rubenfeld
Review: History and mystery with a dash of psychology and a ration of passion. Excellent.
Score: 8/10

Title: Beyond Words
Author: John Humphrys
Review: Incisive and entertaining look at how language is shaping our lives. Revealing.
Score: 8/10

Title: Seminary Boy: a memoir
Author: John Cornwell 8/10
Review: Reflections on life inside a boarding school for trainee priests. Evocative
Score: 8/10

Title: Perfect Hostage
Author: Justin Wintle
Review: Powerful biography of Burmese prisoner of conscience, Aung San Suu Kyi. Inspiring.
Score: 8/10

Title: The Berlin Wall: a world divided: 1961-1989
Author: Frederick Taylor
Review: Scholarly, but highly readable story of an icon of the Cold War. Gripping. Score: 9/10

Title: Nul Points
Author: Tim Moore
Review: Bellowing Balts and likeable Liverpudlians go to Eurovision with the highest of hopes and return with the lowest of scores. Winning.
Score: 9/10

Title: Martin Lukes: Who Moved My Blackberry?
Author: Lucy Kellaway
Review: Slick slice of office life, starring a sharp-suited bullshitter. Plausible
Score: 9/10

Title: Redemption Falls
Author: Joseph O'Connor
Review: Complex, confusing and utterly brilliant Civil War novel. Superb.
Score: 9/10

Title: Desperadoes
Author: Joseph O'Connor
Review: Drama on the road to Managua. Unputdownable.
Score: 10/10

Title: Four Stories
Author: Alan Bennett
Review: A funeral, a burglary, a hospital and a bag lady. Magnificence in the mundane. Outstanding.
Score: 10/10

Title: Talking Heads
Author: Alan Bennett
Review: Masterful monologues from the spectator of suburbia. Stunning.
Score: 10/10

As for 2008, I've already finished The Book Thief and a biography of Liberace, both excellent. Next stop is Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn - a very different kettle of fish.

Show and Tell

It’s not often that Marlene Dietrich, Marcel Proust, Ronald Reagan and Dante appear in the same chapter, let alone the same book. But here they are, in Darden Asbury Pyron’s biography of Liberace. The book, part of my holiday reading this festive season, reaches into every nook and cranny of the showman’s life. But it also makes some interesting diversions, such as an exploration of homosexual culture and the history of Las Vegas.

What’s most striking is how polarising a figure Liberace was. The adulation he received from his fans was only equalled by the revulsion of his critics. After interviewing Liberace, Edward R. Murrow remarked: “In your whole life did you ever see anyone so obnoxious!” The great reporter, who covered the devastation of war and the horrors of the concentration camps, seemed to find an over-the-top entertainer far more offensive. He need three scotches before he could utter another word.

Neither hatchet job nor hagiography, Pyron’s book gives a balanced account of the entertainer’s improbable life. And given the nature of the subject, that's an achievement in itself.

Viennese Whirls

A sublime start to 2008, watching the New Year's Concert from Vienna. The Vienna Philharmonic was in sparkling form, as was the golden hall of the Musikverein. Grinning from ear to ear, Georges Prêtre waved the baguette. At 83, he's the oldest person to preside over this special occasion, and the first Frenchman. With a twinkle in his eye, the masterful jockey guided the thoroughbred professionals over the hurdles, polkas and waltzes.

In tribute to the Beijing Olympics, a Chinese polka was played, while Austria's co-hosting of the European Football Championships this summer was celebrated with a sports polka. Red and yellow cards were exchanged between conductor and leader, and the ensemble donned Austria football scarves in a bit of undisguised patriotism.

As ever, the hall was clothed in floral splendour, with poinsettia, lilies and orchids from the city of San Remo. Austrian television excelled itself with pictures of dancers whirling their way across Vienna, with palaces and parks forming the perfect backdrop.

It all brought to mind a balmy September evening five years ago. On my fortieth birthday, I attended a concert by the Vienna Phil at the Musikverein. The first half was magical enough - Mozart performed in period costume. But after the interval, the Chancellor of Austria arrived, escorting a Chinese statesman for a little night music. At the end, the orchestra played the Blue Danube and the Radetzky March. I left the hall with a tear in my eye and a song in my heart.

And so, each January 1, when the conductor raises the baton in the golden hall, I always remember that golden night.

Prosit Neue Jahr!

The Year That Was

So, as 2007 sputters its way to the finishing line, here are some of my favourite quotes from the past twelve months.


I'm a fairly wide guy... I tend to spread my legs when I lower my pants so they won't slide.
Senator Larry Craig

Welcome to Scotland
The exciting new slogan greeting visitors to Scottish airports, created at a cost of £125,000.

In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, at Columbia University.

I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon – but I want to stay alive.
Madonna

I've had worse press than a pedophile or a murderer and I've done nothing but charity for the last 20 years.
Heather Mills, Paul McCartney's former wife, attacks the news media.

The planet is in distress and all of the attention is on Paris Hilton. We have to ask ourselves what is going on here?
Al Gore

Why don't you just shut up ?
— King Juan Carlos of Spain, to Hugo Chávez after the Venezuelan President called former Spanish Prime Minister José María Aznar a fascist.

I gave her my all-American smile, where I show wall-to-wall teeth and said, pathetically: 'Hope you like your trip to America'. I was quickly moved on like some old wilted tuna on the conveyer belt at Yo! Suchi.
Ruby Wax on her meeting with Britain's Queen Elizabeth.

This is Glasgow, we'll just set about you.
Airport worker John Smeaton, with a message for terrorists threatening Scotland.

Muslims know that if they attack a woman they will burn in hell.
Benazir Bhutto

Some people sing opera, Luciana Pavarotti was an opera.
Bono on death of the Italian tenor.

It wasn't a fortune. It cost me the price of one-and-a-half Hermes handbags.
Anne Robinson on her cosmetic surgery.

Today, society does not talk about hell. It's as if it did not exist, but it does.
Pope Benedict XVI

Less Dressy? What do you think this is?
Queen Elizabeth II after photographer Annie Leibovitz suggested she remove crown for photo shoot.

The guilt that we feel will never leave us.
Gerry McCann

When I'm looking for something I've dropped on the carpet, I have a bit of a problem.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel saying energy-saving light bulbs are not bright enough.

I used to act dumb. That act is no longer cute.
Paris Hilton

This House has noted the Prime Minister's remarkable transformation from Stalin to Mr Bean in the past few weeks.
Liberal Democrat stand-in leader, Vince Cable, turns the knife in Gordon Brown’s wounds.

Have you got anywhere with McDonald's? Have you tried getting it banned, that's the key. Prince Charles suggests cure for obesity on visit to United Arab Emirates.

We don't airbrush to that extent.
Hugh Hefner scuppers Kelly Osbourne's chances after she admits in an interview that she would like to be a nude Playboy pin-up.